Pretty Weird Weirdness
by patronusmagic
Summary: You have been warned, the situations in this story have been spawned from the weirdness that is my mind. Hilarity will ensue! involves innuendo.
1. Harry mugged?

**Edited 23rd April 2013.**

**Harry gets mugged (sort of)**

Harry Potter was casually strolling along a Muggle street, whistling tunelessly to himself and debating on whether he should buy red socks or yellow, when three hooded creatures appeared out of nowhere. Harry screamed loudly and in an extremely high-pitched manner, that attracted the stares of several passers-by.

"AHHH DEMENTORS! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU HOODED LOONS!"

He then proceeded to slap like a frightened seagull at the mystery hooded figures until he realised that they weren't dementors but in fact, badly dressed muggles that looked like they were trying out for some sort of council estate 'gangster' film. Harry rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Yeah, Chavs were a lot less scary than dementors.

"Empty your pockets!" snarled hood head one.

Harry grinned aimlessly into his 'attackers' face "My pockets are already empty, thanks for the concern, though." he said pleasantly.

Hoodhead one stared at hoodhead two with what Harry could only imagine was an incredulous expression on his spotty face.

"We're not joking around, you get me? Empty your pockets, bruv!" snarled hoodhead two, stepping closer to Harry. So that he could smell the stench of his breath.

"Nope I don't get you, because it seems to me that you're not capable of proper English." said Harry.

From what he could see of their faces, they looked rather discombobulated. Good word, Discombobulated. Dis-Com-Bob-u-Lated. Rolls off the tongue like a roll, or like a rolly sweet or a rolly roll.

Anyway, there Harry is, being mugged by thugs who probably can't even spell their own names and people are just walking past. How rude! Harry thought. They are as rude as a rude thing.

Discombobulated.

Harry grinned as he saw his headmaster who was strolling down the street with his hair in pigtails and beard plaited. He was skipping in pimping robes of gold and pink.

"Oi, Dumbles." Harry shouted. "Get your beardy butt over here!"

Dumbledore ambled over and fist bumped Harry. Dumbledore and Harry then stood back to back, arms crossed, looking menacingly at the hood heads.

"Go away, hood heads. Or I'll set Dumbles on you. And I can tell you, it won't be pretty." Harry warned.

The two hood heads started forwards but at that moment, Dumbledore started tap dancing and singing opera, attracting stares of various muggles. The hood heads screamed like little girls and bolted, falling over a conveniently placed hat as they scrambled to get away.

"Thanks, Dumbles." said Harry, high fiving the centurion headmaster.

"No problem, Harry, it's the least I can do after the whole killing Voldemort and saving the world from mortal peril in a rash act of self sacrifice and then coming back and then killing him thing!" replied Dumbledore.

"Hey, Professor what's with the tails and plaits?" said Harry, suddenly noticing it.

"Oh do I look pretty? Young Ginny Weasley did it for me." said Dumbledore, preening.

"Ravishing." said Harry.

Dumbledore blushed and ran away, singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips.

"Wow," thought Harry. "I need to pee."

-xxx-

**Voldemort takes Harry hostage (the muggle way)**

The fire crackled in the grate, casting the long shadows over the inhabitants of the room. The sinister flickering quality of the fire cast light into the otherwise crepusuclar room and revealed a thin, pale man who had the features of a snake. In the corner, trembled a snivelling, overweight man, that gave the appearence of an overgrown rat. The men were Lord Voldemort, Most feared, evil overlord to ever exist and Peter Pettigrew, a snivelling, traitrous wreck of a man.

"Must I wear these, master?" whined Pettigrew. "They give me a terrible rash downstairs."

Voldemort wrinkled his non existent nose in disgust "Wormtail ,no matter how much you assume I would like to hear about your sexual escapades with other rats I rather would not. And no you cannot, I was thinking of making these the new uniform."

"But, sir..." whined Wormtail

"Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew if you whine again no torturing muggles for a month!" Voldemort admonished, voice rising and causing the hairs on the back of Wormtails' rather hairy neck to stand up!

"Shutting up." mumbled Wormtail, who very much liked torturing muggles.

"Good boy." said Voldemort, stroking Naginis head.

"I have a plan, Wormtail. My plan is to lure Harry Potter here with an ice cream van, get him in the van and torture him until he is drooling in a corner. I must find out the meaning of live, everything and the universe! It is all that stands between me and world domination!"

"Master I don't think-'" began Wormtail.

"SILENCE!" roared Voldemort, causing every death eater within a ten mile vicinity to poo their nappies, that's right Voldemort had them wearing nappies, what are you gonna do about it?

"Very well I'll get the van." sighed Wormtail, waddling out of the room, due to a nappy full of poop.

Voldemort sniggered "Oh the things I do to rule the world, Nagini." he sighed, putting a hand theatrically over his eyes.

"_Indeed masssterr."_ Nagini hissed, looking into Voldemorts red eyes.

And it was then, that Voldemort broke into a rendition of the Muggle sonng "If I ruled the world..."

_Meanwhile, back in Privet Drive..._

Harry was preening a rose bush. He wore nothing but a pair of denim jeans that were slung carelessly on his slim hips as he preened the already immaculate rose bushes. The sun burnt his back but he didn't care, he loved to peel sunburn! It turned him on!

"I'VE GOT A WAND IN MY POCKET AND I AINT AFRAID TO SHOW IT, I CAN DO MAGIC, I'M A WIZARD AND I KNOW IT!" he sang, throwing his hands in the air, causing the pruning shears to fly out of his hand and fly through the air, conking Mrs. Figgs overweight cat, Steve on the bonce.

"Oops sorry, Moggy." said Harry, sheepishly as the cat gave him a dirty look and wandered off dazedly, tail in the air.

Just then, an ice cream van rolled down the street, playing its tinkling tune. Harry screamed loudly and rather girlishly and proceeded to follow the ice cream van down the street, screaming;

"ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! I WANT ICE CREAM!" Harry shouted, running down the street, waving his hands in the air.

Muggles poked their heads out of their heads curiously to see what all of the kerfuffle was about.

Good word kerfuffle.

The van stopped suddenly and Harry ran headlong into it, falling backwards onto the hot concrete. Wormtail stepped out of the van, his usual snivelling self and grabbed Harry by the waistband of his jeans (seeing as he was topless). Harry struggled, making it quite difficult for Wormtail to keep a hold of him.

Eventually, Wormtail managed to get a hold of Harry and haul him, none too gently into the van, slamming the door shut and driving away quickly.

"Oi, you big bellend! Let me out!" screamed Harry, banging his fists on the side of the van.

He heard Wormtail shout something that distinctly sounded like "cabbages." and decided to shut up. He didn't want Wormtail or Voldemort to set their super, crazy killer cabbages on him, those things could be lethal!

He started singing again, very loudly and off key, trying to cover up the fact that he was scared out of his wits. He ran round in a circle in the van, flapping his hands and repeating the mantra "Oh no, Oh no, Oh no."

"Shut it!" Wormtail shouted, swerving sharply around a corner, causing Harry to fall into the wall of the van.

"Well that wasn't very nice." muttered Harry, rubbing his head which was bleeding copiously.

"Hey, Wormy? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

He could hear Wormtail swear from the van cabin and swerve sharply again, causing Harry to fall backwards.

"I need a wee!." Harry whined, clutching between his legs and hopping on the spot, trying not to fall over as the van sped along.

"OI, WORMTAIL! I NEED A WEE!" Harry shouted.

Suddenly, an almighty bang erupted from outside the van, causing Harry's heart to jump into his mouth.

"Never mind I don't need it anymore." Harry called.

The van jerked to a halt and Harry was thrown face forwards into the front of the van wall. The door flew open and Wormtail threw him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, slamming the door shut, he ignored Harry's protests as he took him up to Voldemort.

Once there, he was dumped unceremoniously into a chair and tied, rather tightly to it.

"Oi let me free you naughty bum head." said Harry, struggling against the bonds that Wormtail had just tied.

Voldemort smirked as he turned around slowly and dramatically in his chair, stroking Nagini's head, the light flickering from the fire, cast over his face, making him look sinister. Even more sinister than he already was, that is.

"AAAARGHHHHH IT'S MOULDY SHORTS!" Harry screamed, at which point, he slumped into a dead faint.

"Wake him, Wormtail." sighed Voldemort, he was getting too old for this.

Wormtail started cautiously forward, he raised his hand and slapped Harry hard across the face, jerking him awake.

"Oi, what's the deal, you big buffoon?" snarled Harry, rubbing his sore cheek.

Voldemort quickly turned a snigger into a cough.

"Harry, Harry, Harry." he said, standing up and leaning forwards, getting in Harry's face.

"Boy, you need a tic tac or something 'cause your breath stinks!" said Harry, wrinkling his nose.

"Why you insolent little-," Voldemort began.

"Hey enough of the little! Im fun sized thank you!" said Harry, putting his nose in the air.

Voldemort looked absolutely flabbergasted. Another good word. Fl-ab-ber-gas-ted. Flabby lulu, flabba babba, anyway where was I? Oh yes!

"Potter, have you lost your mind?" snapped Voldemort, taking a step back.

"Why, have you found it?." said Harry curiously.

"Very well," said Voldemort, evil grin gracing his evil features "I shall torture you until you submit to my will."

"Not gonna happen, baldy." said Harry, if he could have crossed his arms, he would have done.

In the corner, Wormtail snorted, barely disguising his amusement.

"You dare?" said Voldemort, head cocked to the side, surveying Harry.

"Well I don't normally play truth or dare with murderous raving lunatics but if you insist." said Harry, trying and failing to shrug.

"Wormtail!" snapped Voldemort, causing Wormtail to poop his pants again. "Tie our guest to the bed of doom. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA." at this point, something caught in Voldemorts throat and he began to choke, spitting out a fly and smacking his laps.

"Anyway, where was I?" said Voldemort.

"Right where you're standing. DUH!" said Harry, rolling his eyes.

Voldemort would have wrinkled his nose in anger had he had one. But incidentally, he didn't so he settled for looking like a constipated ferret instead.

"TAKE HIM AWAY TO BE TORTURED WORMTAIL! USE THE NUMBER FOUR!" Voldemort roared, Wormtail's eyes widened, surely Voldemort wasn't that evil?

He shrugged and dragged the loudly protesting prisoner to, dun dun dun 'TORTURE ROOM', cue flashing lights and impressive voice. Harry was forcibly tied to the bed, bare chest exposed and socks removed.

A feral grin spread over Wormtails face as he rummaged through a dresser labelled 'THE DRESSER OF DOOM' dun dun dun. He turned around, holding an extremely long feather, it was at least five feet long with very fluffy feather-ness.

Voldemort strode into the room, giving off an air of royal superiority ahd fighting the urge to drop his guts. Well he supposed he could blame it on Wormtail. Yes that's exactly what he'd do. Cue evil laugh. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Now Harry Potter, I will torture you until you submit to my will." said Voldemort, pacing the room dramatically "Wormtail, bring me the number four!"

Harry's eyes widened as Wormtail brought the extremely long feather over, it was purple with polka dots. Harry blanched at the awful feather.

"Now, Mr. Potter, I want you to tell me the meaning of life, the universe and everything. I will not relent until you come up with an answer. Wormtail, go!"

Wormtail attacked mercilessly, tickling every part of Harry, with the long feather. Harry gasped and screamed, fighting against the fluffy, pink handcuffs that bound him.

"Fine! Fine! The meaning of life! Ill tell you." said Harry, unable to take anymore.

"Yes." said Voldemort, steepling his fingers together.

"The meaning of life is 42." gasped Harry.

"You what?" both Mouldy shorts and Wormy pants exclaimed at the same time.

Harry nodded "It's the 42nd 42 and I must say, Voldemort, you have a long feather, Dumbledore's is only six inches long."

Voldemort, proceeded to puke over Wormtail, who puked on Voldemort, who puked back on Wormtail, who... well you get the message.

Hours later found Harry, sitting in Dumbledore's office, alternating between telling an extremely long joke and telling of the horrors in Riddle manor.

"And that's when he got his extremely long feather out and tickled me with it." Harry finished.

THUMP! Dumbledore had fainted at the word feather, Harry shrugged and skipped off to lunch, still wearing the fluffy, pink handcuffs.

**Well, I told you it would be weird, there will be more weird situations and scenarios soon :D please let me know what you think! Also can anyone spot any movie references? **


	2. The 'Talk'

**Warning: is full of sexual innuendo, read at your own peril.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Sirius gives Harry the talk. (Using bananas and ring donuts.)**

Sirius Black was very nervous, so unlike Sirius. He'd been sitting in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place for four hours, debating on giving Harry 'The Talk' after catching him in a compromising position with one Ginerva Weasley.

He shuddered at the memory, wishing intensely that he could bleach his mind or obliviate himself into oblivion. The kitchen door opened and Remus stepped in, looking tired and wan but relatively cheerful. Sirius scowled at Remus, who raised his eyebrows.

"Who yanked your wand?" said Remus, crossing his arms.

"Yanked...wand AARGH!" said Sirius, scrubbing his face with his hands.

"O...Kay? What is up with you?" said Remus, sitting next to an agitated Sirius.

"I just came across Ginny erm...yanking Harry's wand." said Sirius, looking as if he would puke.

"So? I don't see what OH..." Remus looked as if he was going to start laughing.

"So not funny." said Sirius, looking queasy.

"Of course not Sirius, I think you and Harry need a little chat, don't you?" said Remus, smirking.

Sirius covered his face with his hands; he did not want to be having this conversation with his seventeen year old godson, he felt sick at the thought of the embarrassment, but Remus was right, Harry needed to know the ins and outs (*Shivers) of the birds and the bees.

"Good luck old friend." smirked Remus, patting Sirius on the shoulder and leaving the room.

Sirius could hear Remus roaring with laughter in the hallway as he went up to his room, muttering something Sirius couldn't quite work out. Sirius groaned and got to his feet, shuffling over the cupboard and pulling out a bag of bananas, he then went over to the bread bin, pulling out the box of glazed ring donuts, feeling a snigger coming on at the innuendo associated with the innocent sugary snacks.

He tucked them under his arm, trudging grudgingly up the stairs and hoping against hope that Harry and Ginny had finished their...Studying. To his great relief, he bumped into Ginny on the stairs. She blushed furiously when she saw him, gave a little squeak and rushed into her bedroom.

Sniggering slightly, he made his way towards Harry's bedroom and knocked and upon hearing a very subdued "Come in.", h e entered.

Harry blushed crimson when he saw Sirius and dropped the book he had been holding, electing to lean against the wall and not maintaining eye contact with a smirking Sirius. If he was going to have this conversation then he was going to have some fun with it.

"Harry we need to have a talk." Sirius said, dropping the food on Harry's bed and settling himself on the desk chair.

"About?" said Harry, but he knew very well what about.

"Erm...well...umm sex." said Sirius, blushing slightly.

"Sure what do you want to know?" said Harry, smirking.

Sirius rolled his eyes and cuffed his godson upside the head. Harry stopped sniggering and looked at Sirius pleadingly.

"Please tell me we're not going to have this conversation?" said Harry, groaning slightly.

"Indeed we are." Sirius said, sitting himself next to Harry and picking up the food.

Harry grimaced as he eyed the food, wandering where this was going.

"Now Harry, when a mummy donut and a daddy banana love eachother very much..." Sirius began, taking out the offending items.

"Sirius no.." Harry whined, face postbox red.

"They start to kiss." Sirius brought the donut and banana together.

"Oh Mr Banana I love you mwah." Said Sirius, making kissy noises as he pretened to make the foods kiss.

"SIRIUS!" said Harry, feeling slightly sick.

"They then engage in a special act called intercourse, Mr Banana inserts his banana into Miss Donuts, donut." Sirius said, putting the banana in the donut hole.

Harry meanwhile, looked as if he was going to throw up or hit Sirius, or both.

"Sirius stop..." Harry moaned feebly.

"Now lets just call this banana Harry, and this donut Ginny." said Sirius, waving the small banana around.

"Sirius you tosser!" snapped Harry "Besides, my banana is bigger than that." said Harry sulkily, resigning himself to his fate.

Sirius just sniggered and continued to show a very disturbing demonstration of just what Mr and Mrs Banana do when they love each other.

"And then if you're not careful, nine months later you will have little bananas and donuts running around. Not to mention your banana might get infected." Sirius said.

"And also some donuts might prefer other donuts and some bananas might prefer other bananas."

"But of course there are many alternatives, like eating the banana or shaking it as you well know." said Sirius, raising his eyebrows.

"Sirius just stop!" Harry groaned, wishing he could bleach his mind.

Sirius grinned evilly "Remember kid to always use protection, or you could just hold you own banana. Banana Harry?" said Sirius, holding out the bag.

The rest of the house as they heard Harry shout Sirius' name very loudly, in his bedroom, Remus laughed so hard that he thought he was going to be sick.

Several hours later, a blushing Harry left his room and into the kitchen in search for sustenance "I never want to see another banana again." He thought grimly as he pushed open the door.

Professor Dumbledore was sat at the table, munching on a banana.

"Hello Harry. Care for a banana?"

Harry had to be treated at St. Mungos for severe mental scarring.

Fin.


	3. Evil leprechaun monkeys

**Remus sends Snape a love letter.**

The rain hammered on the windows, causing the single panes to rattle and creak. Inside the room, all was silent except for the crackling of the fire, the rustling of a book and the loud snoring that was coming from the other side of the room. Harry Potter lay on the floor, legs up against the floor, Quidditch book in hand while Remus snored loudly on the sofa.

He was insanely bored and if he didn't do something soon he would spontaneously combust and he was pretty sure that Remus would be pissed if he had to clean Harry guts from the shag pile carpet (That thing had cost a bomb) Of course the alternative was much worse, instilling fear in the strongest of men, he could turn into a crochety old git like Snape. The horror.

He dropped the book, instantly regretting it when the corner bashed him on the nose, making him want to sneeze. Rubbing his snozzle, Harry turned over to face Remus, who was laying on the sofa, mouth wide open with his arms thrown above his head. Sniggering slightly at the funny sight, Harry crept forward, stopping in front of the werewolf.

"Remus?" Harry whispered, gently shaking Remus' shoulders.

Remus muttered, batting Harry's hand away "I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle oh! No I'm a cup."

Rolling his eyes, Harry shook him again. Knowing from experience that it would take an all out atomic explosion to make Remus even stir. Although there was that one time that Sirius... Harry cringed and pushed the memory away before it could surface, all he needed now was to vomit everywhere.

"Remus!" he said a little louder, grumbling slightly.

"The cabbage is chasing me. Ow! You stupid duck give me my eyeball back." Remus shouted, still fast asleep.

Harry sniggered to himself before poking Remus in the side, rather hard if he didn't say so himself. Hehe. Hard. Still, Remus didn't stir. Harry groaned in frustration and hurried around the house, gathering things he could use to wake the werewolf up.

After unsuccessfully waking him up using a vuvusela, a pot of pens and a massive rubber band ball, Harry resorted to throwing things at him. Remus was covered in pillows, books, quills and the odd cauldron but still he snored on, snorting and talking nonsense in his sleep every now and then.

Harry sat down and pondered, hand on chin to look intellectual while he was pondering. What to do? What to do? He mused. Then an idea came to him, a wonderfully devilish idea, that just might work. Harry grinned and dived for the kitchen where he knew the handy piece of equipment was kept.

He emerged five minutes later, blow horn in hand and with a smile that would rival Voldemorts in evilness. He stood behind the sofa, holding the blow horn to Remus' ear, trying not to snigger too hard. Taking a deep breath, Harry sounded the horn.

The effect was instantaneous. Remus pirouetted off of the sofa like a ballet dancer with a rather loud and girlish scream, fists raised and ready to fight.

"If it's the evil leprechaun monkeys again, I'm telling you, I did not steal your shoes!" Remus screamed, still in his half asleep phrase.

Harry rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, eyebrows raised as he waited for Remus to calm down. Finally, after jumping around the room, acting almost as paranoid as Mad-Eye Moody, Remus realised that it was in fact Harry that had woken him up so rudely.

"What the Hell was that for?" Remus grumbled, flopping on the sofa and glaring at Harry.

"I'm bored." he whined, flopping next to Remus and laying across his lap like a petulant toddler.

Remus smirked down at him, shaking his head at Harry's theatrics.

"Go find something to do then. Don't give this old man a heart attack." said Remus, rubbing his hip where it had bashed into the coffee table.

"No," Harry pouted. "Can't we prank Snape again?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, looking down at Harry- Who was grinning up at him, a pleading look on his face. Remus thought about it, it would be worth it to get back at Snape for notifying everyone of his 'Furry Little Problem' back in Harry's third year, he had loved teaching and regardless of his morals, he had wanted to march down to the dungeons and punch the man into the middle of next week.

He smiled as he remembered the last prank they'd performed on Snape. It involved super glue, feathers a door and a magically enlarged bucket. Of course, Remus could be immature when he wanted to, after all, living with Harry and Sirius, it was hard to act like the perfect adult the whole time. Especially as he was a Marauder.

Smiling, Remus sighed "Fine, what do you have in mind this time?"

Harry sat up and grinned, a grin that instilled fear in parents and guardians (not godfathers) everywhere.

"I dare you to write a love letter to him, declaring your undying, never-ending love for him and proposing. Use loads of embarrassing clichés oh and a pet name." said Harry, sniggering as he spoke.

Remus groaned loudly, letting his head fall back against the sofa. Grumbling, he gently cuffed Harry on the ear, smirking when Harry glared at him.

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN! IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I WILL GROUND YOU FOR LIFE!" Harry shouted in an uncanny impression of his dearly departed mother.

Remus' jaw dropped, talk about role reversal. Shaking his head, he sat up straighter.

"If I'm going to write this letter, fetch me a quill, ink and parchment." said Remus, grinning mischievously.

Smirking, Harry complied, watching as Remus wrote quickly, scratching things out every now and then, laughing at some points.

_To my dearest Sevvy wevvy snuggly wuggly cuddlekins._

_My heart belongs to you like fish and chips, salt and vinegar, me and chocolate. I get goose pimples whenever someone mentions you, how you swoop around like a kinky little bat (except you don't turn left when you leave the Dungeons._

_My love for you is as honest as the fact that Dumbledore hides small children in his beard. I love you more than a fat kid loves cake. The way your hair shines in the candlelight, giving off an essence of cooking oil._

_Be mine Severus Snape and I will dance in my nuddy pants while waving the Union Jack over my head and singing "John Jacob jjngleheimer schmidt."_

_My heart is yours, forever,_

_RJL._

Remus John Lupin and Harry James Potter will forever be responsible for sending Severus Snape over the edge. It became a legend that Snape stripped naked in the middle of the Great Hall, did an Irish jig before diving out of the window, screaming high and girlishly.


	4. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Clichés

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it.**

* * *

**Harry Potter and The Chamber of Clichés- Part one**

[**Narrators Voice] **

Roll up, roll up! Clichés galore. You are invited to the-annual-uncovering-of-cliche-overused-Harry-Potter-fanfic-plots-that-are-overused-but-we-all-seem-to-write palooza! Yes, that's right! Come on in, grab a seat, munch on earwax flavoured beans and pull up a tree stump. You're in for one hell of a ride!

**[Narrators voice]** "Well hello, there fanfiction writer, what brings you here today?"

Author ponders the question, putting a finger to her chin to look intelligent. She leans back in her chair and crosses her frog legs (Yes, I have frog legs. What're you gonna do about it?)

"Well, dear narrator who is only here to establish the plot, or lack thereof. I am extremely bored and got the (not so) brilliant idea of taking all the clichés of fanfiction and taking the mickey out of them. Without further ado, let me introduce patronusmagic's list of cliché fanfiction that we have all written but still like to take the pee out of."

_Crickets..._

_Author claps hands. _"Brilliant, shall we start?"

_Scattered applause!_

"I don't care, I'll start anyway!" the author mumbles, rubbing her hands together and laughing evilly. In the corner, Voldemort sniffs and sulks, she has a better evil laugh than him! Author continues to laugh madly but then swallows a fly and starts choking.

"Anyway," Author composes herself. "Lets start shall we?"

**[Narrator]** "..."

**Marriage Law**

Think of it, war is over, werewolves and other dark creatures are being ostracised and discriminated against. The stupid, moronic Minister for Magic, who suddenly isn't Kingsley decides that it'll be a good to introduce a marriage law, stating that any werewolf unmarried will be slaughtered. Lovely. Enter, one Remus Lupin. Our favourite werewolf and _one suddenly _sexy, voluptuous Hermione Granger.

What will happen next? the reader asks. Well, reader. Hermione agrees to allow Remus to marry him, they fall madly in love, have lots of sexy time and have millions of 'cubs'. Tonks has mysteriously disappeared.

**[Narrator]** "Well, that doesn't seem too bad,"

Ah, ah , ah. I'm not done yet. Other popular pairings include Malfoy and *shudders Snape. Author flinches under glare that Snape sends her way. Author composes herself and clears her throat, sending subtle (lust filled) glances at Remus Lupin. _He is so sexy. _The author sighs.

**[Narrator] **Waves hand in authors face. "Hello? Is anybody there?

Author blushes and snaps out of it.

"Where was I? Oh yes, this brings me to my second fanfiction cliché,"

Ron suddenly stands up, pale as a ghost. Author glares at him, and throws a sausage roll at him. Which he catches with his mouth and eats.

"I don't understand. Why would people write fanfiction about someone that _really_ exists," Hermione sighs at Ron's naivety and pats his head.

Author shakes her head despairingly. "Oh, Ronald. (*Cough One Direction *Cough) you're not real. You're really just an elaborate plot device by a blonde, British woman who had an awesome idea about a book that would earn her shit loads of money. You're just here for the sake of the story."

Ron droops and sits back down, looking rather put out. Author turns back to the podium, grinning evilly.

"As I was saying, before Ronald so rudely interrupted,"

**Hermione goes back in time with a time turner and falls in love with one of the Marauders.**

This girl really can't catch a break!Yep, you guessed it. Hermione manages to acquires a time turner, disregarding the fact that they were all destroyed when in the DoM fiasco. She manages to break the time turner and is transported back to the Marauders era, whereupon she falls madly in love with Remus Lupin, Harry's godfather or *Pukes in mouth Harry's father. Funny, Pettigrew seems to have magically disappeared. Poof!

Or, Dumbledore sends her on a super duper, top secret mission to go back in time and Prevent Voldy from coming back. What is it with Dumbledore and assigning nigh on impossible tasks to kids? Anyway, she falls in love with one of the Marauders, yada, yada, yada... *Yawns, next!

Hermione looks as if she will puke into her mouth. Edit: Hermione has just puked into her mouth. The surrounding people are edging away from her. Author, with her schadenfreude tendencies, finds this amusing.

"Don't worry, Hermione," Author pats the irked bookworm on the head. "You should see what they write about Harry."

Hermiones eyes light up, at the same time that Harry's widen. Ron sits sulkily beside them, probably jealous that they're getting attention. Author turns her attention to Ron.

"Don't Worry, Ron. Fanfiction writers don't write about you."

This seems to make Ron more gloomy. The mind boggles! So Author turns back to the podium facing The Narrator once more.

**[Narrator]** "Now, where was I?"

Author raises her eyebrows. "Right where you were five minutes ago,"

Narrator rolls his eyes and continues. "Well, duh. What is next on your list?"

Author takes a moment to think, racking her brains for the perfect, cliché or overused fanfiction. Suddenly, a lightbulb appears over head and she shouts-

"Eureka!"

**The infamous My Immortal Commentary.**

Every fanfiction reader or writer on the planet has heard of the infamous My Immortal. A horrifically awful fic by Tara Gilesbie. If not, it goes something like this-

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(Insert witty comment about grammar)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(Insert comment on the rubbish Beta)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

If anybody actually has the patience to read this, then good for them. In the meantime, I will give these 'My Immortal Commentary's) a wide berth.

**Harry has a super duper, fantastic trunk.**

Think of the setting, Harry discovers his magic early and becomes super powered, dark or grey! He goes to Diagon Alley, befriends some goblins (We'll get to that one next), gets shit loads of money and buys a superawesomemegafoxyhot trunk. This trunk has the ability to produce food and drink (disregarding Gamps Law of Elemental Transfiguration).

It may shrink at Harry's touch, only open at his voice or have super strong wards that Voldemort would struggle to get past. It also has the ability to wash clothes, brush Harry's teeth and trap unsuspecting animals in its teeth.

**[Narrator] **"I wouldn't mind a trunk like that, I could use it to hide from the wif,-" Narrator clears throat and turns back to Author.

"Yes, well. That was awkward," Author whispers, clenching her teeth, Merlin, I'm getting too old for this. "Let's move onto the next Harry Potter cliché."

The whole group, which consists of _'The Golden Trio',_ The Marauders, minus James and Peter (So just Remus and Sirius), Dumbledore, who for the sake of the plot, didn't die and is sucking on a sherbet lemon, and for some reason, Susan Bones.

**Super friendly goblins. **

Goblins aren't friendly. Any Harry Potter fan would know that. They hold humans in contempt, probably because they're so short and have weird faces but. *Shrugs, still. Then, there's that ever used phrase "May your gold flow... Blah blah blah.

I wonder how they would react if I said - "May your period blood flow and your ears be pointy,"

[Narrator] "Well, that's all for today folks, stay tuned for the next instalment of Harry Potter and the chamber of clichés."

Author bows and beams as the converged characters applaud and throw roses at her.

-xxx-

**This was inspired by other fics of this nature. I just couldn't resist. I don't mean to offend anyone, it's purely for fun. Are there any other fanfiction clichés you can think of? If so, please let me know!**


	5. Truth or Dare- Hogwarts Style

**Disclaimer: **Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own, you don't sue!

**Truth or Dare: Potter style!**

Seventh year had descended upon them like a vulture on a mouldy boar carcass. Ron was moaning about how long and hard his potions essay was. Hehe, long, hehe, hard.

"This is too long and hard," Ron whined, throwing his quill up in the air. It fell to the ground.

"That's what she said," said Seamus, who had been passing by.

Hermione rolled her eyes and tucked her essay in her bag, effectively blocking Ron's prying eyes from copying her work. He grumbled in frustration and crumpled his essay up. It soared over his shoulder and hit a first year on the forehead.

"Hey Hermione? Why does Saturn have rings?" Ron asked, sounding as if he was really interested.

"Well there's a theory that,-" she was cut off by Ron shaking his head.

"It's because God liked it, so he put a ring on it," Ron said, grinning madly.

Harry sniggered and Hermione rolled her eyes at the pathetic attempt at a joke. Though, she had to admit, it was rather funny. Harry leant back against the sofa, grinning up at the ceiling.

"Hey I have an idea!" Harry exclaimed, jumping up suddenly.

"What?" said Ron, jumping up also, though he had no idea why he'd just done so.

"Lets play (_cue impressive tension music, dun, dun, dun...)_ Truth or Dare,"

"Wicked!" Ron grinned, turning to Hermione, "Hermione?"

Hermione huffed and crossed her arms, glaring at the two overexcited boys.

"No, absolutely not." she said resolutely.

"Please," they whined, "please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,"

_Four hours later..._

"Please, please, please, please, please,pl-,"

"Oh all right!" Hermione screamed, growling in frustration.

The boys grinned. This was going to be epic.

-xxx-

_One hour later (The rules have already been established because I'm lazy)_

Hermione, Ron, Harry, Ginny, Seamus, Dean, Neville, The Weasley Twins (Who had snuck in) and the weird hat guy in the year below were all sitting in a circle, chattering and sniggering.

"Okay, who's going first?" Ron asked, leaning back on his elbows.

"We'll draw names out of a hat," said Hermione, pulling a conveniently placed hat off of the conveniently placed table, with conveniently placed names in it.

"Awesome sauce," said Ginny, leaning forwards eagerly.

"Right, here goes," said Hermione, dipping her hand into the hat and pulling out a piece of crumpled paper and opening it.

"Weird hat guy, you're up." said Hermione, throwing the hat over her shoulder, knocking someone's cat out.

Weird Hat Guy jumped up, suddenly looking wild, his eyes were red and he was pulling great tufts out of the hair poking out of his weird hat. He wasn't called Weird Hat Guy for nothing.. He screamed and ran bodily out of the window, they all rushed to the window and watched in horror as he plummeted to the ground, breathing a sigh of relief when Buckbeak flew underneath him, catching him.

"Okay, let's begin. Ron can go first," said Hermione bossily.

"Sure," Ron shrugged, scratching his crotch.

"Truth or Dare Ronald?" Hermione asked, looking rather devious.

"Dare," said Ron, resigning himself for the worse.

Harry grinned and leant over, whispering something in Hermione's ear. Hermione snorted and turned back to Ron.

"Ronald Weasley, I dare you to find Malfoy and snog his face off," Hermione said, looking rather pleased with herself.

Ron groaned but he knew he had to complete the dare or something unpleasant would happen to his 'little friend'. Sniggering, the little group followed Ron to the Great Hall, where Malfoy undoubtedly was. The Great Hall was full. Great! Thought Ron, just what I need.

Malfoy was sitting at the Slytherin table, powdering his nose. The little group converged in the doors, sniggering as Ron marched up to Slytherin table, he stood behind Malfoy and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Weasley what,-"

Before Malfoy could even finish his sentence, Ron had grabbed him and stuck his tongue in his throat, making fake moaning noises. Malfoy spluttered and to Ron's horror, kissed him back. Ron dropped him on the floor, causing Malfoy to squeal rather loudly and legged it up the aisles, spitting and wiping his mouth as he did so.

The Great Hall watched in silence as Malfoy got back to his feet. What the hippogriff had just happened?

"Well, that was interesting," Dumbledore said, breaking the silence.

"Ew, I need to blowtorch my mouth." Ron moaned, feeling his lips and grimacing.

"Oh Malfoy I love you. Let me kiss you on your cherry red lips," said Harry teasingly.

"Shut it mate, you're next," Ron said sulkily.

"Bring it on mate," said Harry, raising his arms champion style.

-xxx-

"Hermione, Truth or Dare?" Ron asked, ripping the grass from it's roots.

They had all ventured to the Hogwarts grounds and were now sprawled in the grass, enjoying the blazing sunshine that was beaming down upon them. The problem was, it was January. Well, who said Global Warming didn't have it's benefits? Probably no one but still...

"Dare," said Hermione, regretting her decision almost immediately.

Ron cast his mind for what to do. It was then, that he spotted a flobberworm edging it's way towards them in the long blades of grass. Grinning, Ron snatched it up and thrust (Haha, _Thrust) _it in Hermione's face.

"Eat this flobberworm," Ron snorted, knowing that Hermione couldn't refuse or her assets would develop an interesting addition.

"Pass it here," she snapped, gingerly taking the wriggling creature and staring at it as if she would throw up. Poor flobberworm.

Fred, George, Ron, Harry, Dean, Seamus, Neville and Ginny watched in awe as Hermione ate the flobberworm, gagging and retching at the bitter taste and stringy texture. Finally, Hermione had completed her disgusting task and looked quite green. She let out a small belch and clutched her stomach, dry heaving.

The bell for third period (hehe, _Period_) rang out, shrill and clear across the grounds. Chatting between themselves, the motley made their way to their next lesson. (Which was to be Transfiguration).

"Okay, who's next?" Hermione whispered, grinning rather wickedly.

"You choose, Harry shrugged," leaning across Seamus to talk to Hermione.

Hermione sat back in her seat, twiddling her quill in her hands as she pondered who she could ask. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared over her head (It's Hogwarts, get over it!) and a devious grin spread across her features.

"Seamus," Hermione said, innocently. "At the end of this lesson, I dare you to make McGonagall's robes disappear."

Simultaneously, Neville's, Ron's, Harry's, Dean, The Weasley Twins (Who for the sake of the plot had managed to trick McGonagall into letting them into her lesson), and Ginny's (Who for the sake of the plot snuck in and was currently crouched underneath the table, knees underneath her chin) Jaw dropped. Here she was, Teachers pet extraordinaire, telling them to vanish a teachers' clothes.

"Sure thing," Seamus shrugged, quailing when McGonagall fixed him with a suspicious glare.

The rest of the lesson went by rather uneventfully. As usual, McGonagall assigned them a seemingly impossible task that only Hermione could do and as usual, Hermione completed it first and as usual, Seamus managed to blow stuff up and as usual, I'm running out of 'as usual's' so I'm going to stop.

All too soon for Seamus' liking, the bell rang, signalling the start of lunch and Seamus' rather [gulp] chivalrous dare. The rest of the Dare Crew, as the Weasley twins had called them, hovered on their seats, in the pretence of gathering their quills and parchment. Harry bit back a grin as Seamus carefully approached McGonagall, looking rather nervous.

"Yes, Mr Finnigan? What can I do for you?" McGonagall asked briskly, clasping her tartan briefcase shut with a snap and turning to give him the famous 'McGonagall Stare'. Seamus gulped and fingered his wand in his pocket, suddenly feeling quite nervous.

He was aware of the silent sniggers of his fellow 'Darians' as Seamus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the stern Gryffindor woman. Her eyes widened in chastisement and anger as the fateful spell shot towards her. She shrieked as all but her underwear disappeared, showing her tartan bra and knickers.

Snickering loudly and baulking at the sight, the group dispersed, legging it as McGonagall's angry shouts echoed through the transfiguration corridors. That day would forever go down in history if any witnesses dared to speak of it. But alas, McGonagall was scary so they didn't.

Seamus turned to Neville as they entered the Great Hall, casting terse looks at the gloomy sky and sitting down in their seats, Neville missed somehow and crashed to the floor. When Neville had finally managed to get back up, Seamus spoke.

"Neville, Truth or Dare?"

Neville pondered momentarily, deliberating on what he should do. Sighing, he decided on-

"Truth," Neville said, dreading it almost immediately at the evil grin that spread across Seamus' face. That one look told Neville a lot, and that was to run for cover.

"Are you a virgin? If not, who did you lose it to?"

Neville blushed a deep red, almost wishing he'd picked dare. The group watched in interest, leaning forwards slightly so as to hear Neville's answer better.

"No, I'm not. I lost it in my sixth year to erm, Pansy Parkinson."

Around the table, the entire groups' jaw dropped. Neville Longbottom, the dark horse! Ginny made a noise as if to say 'get you' and Ron guffawed loudly, the twins pretended to faint and Harry did an Irish jig. Hermione 'aww'd and Seamus and Dean belched, not shocked in the slightest.

Up at the teachers table, the staff were watching the mischievous group with slight suspicion and bewilderment. Well, Snape wasn't, he was glowering at Dumbledore, who seemed to be wearing a plant pot on his head.

"What are they up to?" McGonagall glowered, she still hadn't gotten over her impromptu stripping session.

"Goodness knows, I am rather interested to know," said Dumbledore, sounding amused.

Snape snorted and crossed his arms, pouting like a petulant toddler. He was sulking because he'd got drunk so Dumbledore had banned him from buying potions ingredients for a month and confiscated his pocket money.

"We all know Potter and his motley gang of avid fans likes to show off," Snape sneered, sticking his bottom lip out.

_Meanwhile, down at the Gryffindor table (really, did nobody notice that the Weasley twins were here?) _

Neville straightened up, blushing furiously and turned to the Weasley twins, who both held identical smirks. Stammering slightly, he cleared his throat and turned to them.

"Truth or dare?" he asked rather nervously, Harry thought.

Fred and George tipped their heads to the side, pondering before smirking and coming up with an answer.

"Why, dare of course!" the twins exclaimed in unison.

Ginny leant over, grinning madly and whispered in Neville's ear, pointing mischievously at the twins. A small grin spread across Neville's once chubby face as he turned to the mischievous duo.

"Fred, George. I dare you to run the hallways,-"

"Piece of cake! I'm disappointed in you, Longbottom," said Fred, clutching his heart in mock despair.

"Wait, let me finish. I dare you to run the hallways in your birthday, starkers, at one with nature,"

Everyone burst into raucous peals of laughter. Neville, well, Ginny had come up with a rather good dare. Slowly, Fred and George looked at each other, they looked away, they looked at each other again and shrugged, identically mischievous grins tugging at their mouths.

"Ready Gred?" said George.

"Ready, Forge," Fred nodded.

Together, the mischievous pair stripped their clothes down to their dangly bits, much to the horror of the inhabitants of the Great Hall. Everybody watched with great amusement as Fred and George raced through the corridors, completely starkers, half the school behind them, cheering them on. Cheering madly, the twins dodged Filch and dived through the stained glass windows, escaping on the back of a flying hairy mammoth.

"Well," said Hermione, speaking for all of them. "that was random."

-xxx-

Ginny scowled at the dark sky and the torrential downpour. They had been playing Truth or Dare for two days now without abandon. Now, because of the 'stupid British weather' they'd had to hibernate into one of the History of Magic classrooms, that was packed to the rafters. Harry lay with his elbow on the desk, flicking pieces of paper absent-mindedly. Ron was leant back in his chair, feet on the table and snoring loudly, oblivious to the filthy looks sent his way by Hermione.

Across the room, Seamus, Dean and Neville sat with their heads together, obviously discussing tactics. As Fred and George hadn't come back, it had been decided that Dean would dare somebody next. Harry shuddered, Dean had been known to be creative with his dares.

Suspiciously, Harry watched as Dean nodded enthusiastically and hurried over to Ron, who looked as if he'd swallowed a goats testicle.

"Ron, truth or dare?"

Ron tilted his head back in thought. If he chose dare, it was sure to be embarrassing and humiliate him to no end but if he chose truth, he might be forced to reveal his feelings for Hermione.

"Dare," he said, slowly, tentatively.

Dean quickly darted a glance to Professor Lupin – who was marking papers down front, looking less than impressed that he'd been roped into supervising a bunch of bored teenagers. Ron gulped, this wasn't good.

"Go to Professor Lupin, use a load of pick up lines and then kiss him,"

Ron growled low in his throat, he was seriously regretting not going with truth after all. Grumbling, he slumped in his seat and glared at his snickering friends. He eyed Lupin wearily, he seemed in a good enough mood but that may soon change if he had a redhead teenager hitting on him.

"Fine, but I'll get you back for this," said Ron, rising from his seat and stretching.

Slowly, he approached Lupin's desk, flushing with embarrassment, trying hard to ignore the snickers he could hear from his friends' corner of the room. Lupin looked up and smiled kindly at Ron when he approached.

"Yes, Ron, what can I do for you?"

Ron gulped, feeling as if he'd swallowed a fly. Taking a shaky breath, he fixed a goofy, 'lovestruck' expression on his face and grinned at Lupin.

"Are you French? Because _Eiffel _for you,"

Lupin raised his eyebrows in surprise, a small crease of confusion formed between his eyebrows.

"Excuse me?" Lupin spluttered, dropping his quill.

Ron blushed. "You look cold, want to use me as a blanket?"

Lupin frowned. "Ron,-"

"Do you have a map?" Ron said, pretending to be actually curious. "I'm getting lost in your eyes."

Everybody else seemed to have cottoned on what Ron was doing and was watching with expressions of great interest and amusement.

"What on,-"

Once again, Ron interrupted him. "You know Platform 9 and ¾ ? Well, I'm thinking of something with the exact same measurements," he said with a saucy wink.

"Mr Wea-" Lupin was getting annoyed now but Ron was having too much fun.

"I know we're not in Flitwicks class but you're still charming,"

Lupin sighed loudly and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was getting too old for this.

"Interested in making some magic? My wand is at the ready?"

"That's enough!" Lupin stood up, rounding the table and putting a hand over Ron's mouth, withdrawing it when Ron licked it.

"I don't know what's got into you today but,-"

He was cut off by Ron grabbing him in a kiss. He spluttered, completely stunned and pushed Ron away. Looking embarrassed, Ron turned tail and ran. Lupin glared at the class and slumped bonelessly in his chair, Merlin, he needed a drink.

Suddenly, Ron burst into the room, grinning. "I've been whomping my willow, thinking about you,"

He had to duck, for Lupin had just thrown an ink pot at his head. It smashed on the wall and slid slowly down the wall, leaving an inky trail.

-xxx-

For years to come, The Dare Crew – would forever go down in history for the longest game of Truth or Dare Hogwarts had ever seen. For years to come (Haha, come) they would go down in history as the most outrageous dares, without getting excluded.

The Marauders, were now a distant memory. Compared to the Dare Crew.

FIN.


End file.
